How to be an ASSHOLE after a Natural Disaster


This guide applies to theists who are unaffected by a recent and devastating natural disaster and can’t be bothered with empathy. Insert appropriate nouns for DISASTER, VICTIMS, DEITY, ADVOCACY, RANDOM REASON.

1. Thank deities that you and your family were spared. Make sure to emphasize how special and blessed your ass is unlike those poor sods the deities didn’t favor. Forget the other instances when you were affected by natural disasters.

Examples:

“Thank DEITY our country was spared unlike VICTIMS who are suffering.”

“Praying to DEITY allowed us to escape this tragedy. VICTIMS didn’t believe in DEITY or didn’t pray hard enough that’s why.”

2. Talk about how this tragedy is a punishment or the will of DEITY and the victims deserve it. This is an effective way of showing your empathy is accessible as a luxury hotel to a homeless man.

Example:

“DEITY is angry because of RANDOM REASON. The DISASTER is DEITY’s anger.”

“This DISASTER is an act of DEITY (because of RANDOM REASON).”

3. Tell everyone to pray for the victims because that’s what good human beings do. Then, forget to donate or actually contribute something.

4. Launch psychological assaults to take advantage of people’s terror and vulnerability. Use combinations of post hoc ergo propter hoc, appeal to the stick or other logical fallacies to achieve maximum effect.

Example:

“See this is what happens if you want ADVOCACY! DEITY is showing us we’re on the wrong path!”

“The end times are here! Repent or you will suffer damnation!”

With these steps, you’ll transition into a deplorable human being in the blink of an eye. To be a master, the key is PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE.

One thought on “How to be an ASSHOLE after a Natural Disaster

  1. Pingback: A slightly sober digest of last week…NOT « The Atheist Freedom Wall

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